It's been difficult for him to be otherwise; the way that he cultivates has always been something dangerous, something that burns through him and leaves him something of a husk on the inside. That hasn't changed over the last few months, even with the realisation that so many things have changed and are going wrong, the knowledge that he has been fighting against what feels like an impossible foe. Xichen's belief in people is as strong as Mingjue's desire for justice, and there's no escaping that.
Discussing Meng Yao has become a new trigger for him, and it burns inside of him in an angry, irritated way, because he wants to be proven right.
He has been trying to force Meng Yao back onto the path of righteousness with sheer strength of will, but none of it had worked. He knows that his partner - beyond brother, no matter what the world thinks - still has faith in Meng Yao, had been teaching him so that he could help with Mingjue's anger, but none of it feels right. Nothing feels right inside of him; there's a knot inside of him that feels as though it's being pulled out of him.
It's not to say that he's been avoiding Xichen since some of his own anger and frustration has burned through him, but he has not been making it easy, either. He's hurt and angry, feeling on the brink of betrayal despite the fact that he knows just how warm and kind Xichen is. His advisors and elders are breathing down his neck about settling down and making things comfortable, of what Qinghe Nie needs to do next to stay on the main stage, and he feels overwhelmed.
All of it is giving him a headache.
When he storms out of his offices and back to his chambers he pushes open the door with a sharp snap. When he steps in and sees Xichen he freezes in the frame, his eyes narrowing for a moment - and it looks like he is ready to immediately turn around and walk in the other direction. ]
[there is comfort in the task of pouring tea, of preparing the leaves and going through the ceremony. it is meditative in a way, the way his body knows how to perform this task flawlessly even as his mind swirls with turmoil.
on the outside, the first jade of lan still looks like the caricature of perfection.
the tea is poured, the cups set out when he hears the door snap open with force. it draws his attention up from where he's seated, hands folded in his lap. he can not make sense of the song, knows that he is pulling at straws and that there is likely something that could help him back in the library of cloud recess.
the purpose is unclear, but the fact remains that this is different than what he'd taught meng yao and different from what they'd played for mingjue together.
he is not sure what makes him feel worse in this moment; the fact that meng yao has listened to his worries and soothed his fears, promised to help in any way he could while playing this grating song for their sworn brother or the fact that he has pushed back on every single one of mingjue's suspicions, found a way to reason and diffuse when something had been clearly wrong. he'd hoped that even if it put a divide between them they could not overcome, at least he could be confident that the looming threat of qi deviation from mingjue's anger would be kept at bay. there was comfort in that, in his safety.
it's none of that. it is that when he looks up toward the doorway, he can see the tension in his partner's frame. not too long ago, though it now feels like a decade, there would not have been a drop of hesitation between them. mingjue would have walked into the room, xichen would have risen to meet him half way. they'd been pulled toward one another.
now xichen remains where he is, standing to greet him. he still feels pulled, like he's denying every instinct that he'd learned to follow in the safety of their rooms and without the weight of the precepts on his shoulders.] A-Jue. [the man before him would see behind a smile that would look genuine to most, so xichen does not insult him by forcing it.] I'm sorry I didn't warn you, I didn't know when you'd be back and there's something-- Something I must tell you.
[ It's not the gentle, rolling 'er-ge' that Meng Yao might offer, nor is it the familiar comfort of 'a-Huan' that is custom between them in private moments. Mingjue is too strung up for that and feels too coiled, a spring ready to snap. Baxia lifts from his shoulders without his hand moving and goes to rest in its place beside his desk, his eyes barely leaving the other man. Any other time, any other moment, and Mingjue would be thrilled to see his lover in front of him.
The moment is different now.
There has been much that has come between them; Meng Yao being the foremost, leading to other tense words and crossed brows. He doesn't like it - hates it, truly - because it festers under his skin like an infection, like a wound, lending itself to his anger and his hurt and heartache. Brooding about Xichen does little more than worsen his already problematic temper, and nothing Meng Yao nor Huaisang does can settle him down. He feels worse, more often than not, and all he can blame it on is his irritation with his honoured brother.
He sees the tea and, for just a moment, he considers turning his back and leaving Xichen where he is. Unfortunately, both propriety and his own heart refuses to allow it and he ends up stepping into the room and settling, crossing his legs under his weight before he looks over the table.
It's hard. It was never meant to be this hard. Mingjue feels sick with it. ]
If it's more about the merits of our honoured brother then I don't want to hear it. [ He takes his own cup of tea - refusing his partner the honour of offering it to him properly, a little slight that he can muster himself. Even in his frustration and the ache of his heart, though, there's something tender under it all: something reserved for Xichen alone, because this is the man that Mingjue loves the most, even now.
Breathing out, he tilts his head back just a little. ]
You know you're always welcome here, no matter what news you bring. Go ahead.
he knows he deserves the barrier the name puts up between them, for lately they've both dropped long-used and familiar endearments. it hasn't been in favor of anything, but perhaps to put distance between them and the words and actions that have started to cut deep.
he had hoped to bridge the gap those wounds have allowed to grow as they fester; he's not sure they still can.
xichen watches as baxia moves on its own accord, the energy around it far from calm. then mingjue is before him and xichen feels like he's lost track of him as he sits, hesitates for a moment before joining him.
he moves to pour tea but it seems with both cutting words and actions, his lover is in no mood to pull back any blows. he deserves it, he knows, but it stings. another time, it would have grated him in a different way. the comment would have had the opposite effect, triggered the very thing that lead them down the familiar path to a fight over meng yao. xichen would insist that meng yao does have merits, speak for the actions that have proven his character and against mingjue's biases but now. well, now, he cannot.
he thinks back to meng yao's letters, to soft words that appeased his own worries for mingjue's state and promised to do anything to help.
xichen wants to know what this song is, why it grates at his nerves and what meng yao intends with it. why it's different. but that is not the matter to deal with now.
he lets out a soft sigh, reaches for his own cup of tea but makes no move to bring it to his lips. 'speak honestly', states the wall of precepts. xichen has lived to be the embodiment of everything written on those ancient stones but honesty here is a delicate thing, with everyone involved.] Not a matter of his merit, no, but I am afraid it does have to do with our brother. [he says carefully.] Or rather with something that he has done that I do not understand.
I know I have asked for your trust and you have always granted it. [breathe in, breathe out, he thinks.] It's wholly in your right not to now, when it seems my trust may be misplaced, but before I explain I must ask that you do not allow anyone else to play Clarity for you.
There's something sharp inside of him, something dangerous and dark, burning from the thrum of his cultivation. It means that sometimes his irritation can get the better of him, his anger can make him hurt the people he cares about. He has been snappish with Huaisang and now he is being irritable to Xichen, the people he cares about the most in the world. The people he loves most in the world, if he is entirely honest with himself.
Settling himself, he forces himself to stay calm and comfortable. He sips at his tea and pretends he doesn't ache from the cruelty he had shown Xichen, from taking the kindness and politeness that has been ripped away from them. Taking a long, deep breath, he forces himself to be calm, to be settled, to stay comfortable and at peace. It aches inside of him, but he manages to bow his head and stop himself from saying something sharp.
He's still angry about Meng Yao. He will always be angry about Meng Yao. There's no hiding that, not when Xichen constantly reminding him about his merits, as if Mingjue should have forgiven him completely.
Swallowing, he puts his teacup down. He glances over at Xichen and tries to act as though there is not something hurting inside of him. He wants to reach out to Xichen already, wants to reach out and take his hand, to offer softness and kindness, to bring him into his arms and whisper a-Huan into his ear and tell him that it's all okay.
But he can't.
The words spark something inside of him, though, and his attention focusses entirely on Xichen. ] Something that he's done? What has he done now?
[ Eyes narrowing, he leans forward. ]
Why shouldn't I let anyone else play it? You taught it to Meng Yao and he taught it to Huaisang. They're supposed to be helping me.
[xichen watches him carefully, takes in each movement. beyond what he sees, as much as he is keeping himself in check, mingjue is radiating tension that xichen can feel.
they're on the cusp of something and in this moment, xichen knows it will also hurt.
still, to say nothing would put mingjue in harms way even if he does not understand meng yao's intent. it would also put huaisang in danger and if he did so knowingly, he knows his partner would never forgive him.] What he's taught Huaisang is what concerns me.
[it would be easier to show him, to write the notes out to show the difference, but that would take time and xichen's instincts scream that now it's too late to stray off course. it's more important to not wander too far. he makes the decision to move closer instead, stays at the table but settles to mingjue's right instead of across from him. it is perhaps unwise, as it puts him in baxia's path were mingjue to call the blade, but he has faith in his lover.] Huaisang asked to practice with me today and while his affinity for the music is clear, the song he played was not Clarity. It's not what Meng Yao and I play for you together either, though the changes are subtle enough.
[ The first thing that comes to mind is, of course, subterfuge.
If Xichen is now telling him not to allow Meng Yao to perform to him, that there is something wrong with Huaisang's performances, then there's only one conclusion to make. His hand tenses around his teacup until he can feel it crack under his grip, strength getting the better of him. Thankfully he has better grace than some and reaches to put it down before he can do something he regrets - or something he won't be able to explain away.
(His anger is causing his disciples many issues these days. He thinks this would just be another one to add to their list).
Leaning forward, eyes narrowed, he speaks. Mingjue's voice is cool, anger burning under the surface as he tries to muster himself. ]
What are you telling me, Xichen?
[ It's there, waiting to be said. It's as though he is on the edge of a waterfall and whatever his lover will tell him will shove him over the edge. He can already feel his eyes bleeding colour with his anger. ]
What is wrong with his song? What has he been teaching my brother?!
[xichen knows where this current of anger could head, has spent so much of his life in tune with the man before him. it's only in these last few months, the cumulation of a few short years, that they've fall out of step with one another.
it's terrifying to see him tremble, to see the anger boiling to the surface and the energy around his lover shift. there is a change in him and xichen wonders if it would have been better to deal with this alone, but with huaisang involved mingjue would have not been able to stand for that if he found out after the fact.
he takes a deep breath, moves closer. mingjue's cheek is hot underneath his palm as he cups his cheek, hopes the touch -- intimate, familiar -- grounds him to this moment instead of where the spiral leads. his other hand rests over the other's forearm, his gaze remains on mingjue and he holds his gaze.] I'm telling you that you were right to be wary, my heart. [and xichen the fool for not truly listening.] I'm sorry.
Huaisang is safe and unharmed by it, A-Jue. [you'll be safe.] I don't know what the song is, only that the chords are played in the wrong order and do not calm as 'Clarity' should. I need-- we need time to figure out what it is but I believe the answer may be within Cloud Recess' library.
[ Where will this anger take him? Where does it always take him; somewhere sharp, dangerous, blood close to boiling in his veins as he drowns himself completely in what he's hearing. Meng Yao has done more than threaten Nie Mingjue himself. He's not threatening Huaisang, his family, the person that he has cared for and loved the most in his entire life, matching and going beyond his love for Lan Xichen. The rage he feels is something that he cannot even begin to wrap his mind around.
The only thing that grounds his in the touch of a hand to his skin, feeling like ice with the warmth that consumes him. His eyes open for a moment, almost flickering, not able to focus on the figure in front of him beyond the odd shapes of blues and whites. Xichen is here, touching him, trying to calm him, but all Mingjue can feel is the pain in his heart.
His brother. His home. Himself. All ripped away, taken, destroyed by someone he trusted. Someone he cared about. He had faith in him, had taken him in, made him a Nie, made him one of his people, and still the betrayal stings, burns, eats at him.
Lifting his head, he gasps as he focuses on his lover, eyes flickering. ]
He will not come anywhere near me. He will not come anywhere near Huaisang. He will never step foot in Qinghe again, nor will he be permitted in Cloud Recess. Promise me, a-Huan. You have to swear.
[for a moment which feels like a lifetime, an eternity, xichen worries that he's pushed mingjue over the edge. that his love is lost, that the balance was tipped and there is no coming back.
he holds his breath, forces his hands to remain steady though he cannot suppress the way they tremble wholly as his right thumb slides over mingjue's cheekbone.
but he's there. mingjue's eyes flicker and xichen feels grounded again, tethered to the world and the man before him even as he sees the rage within him continues to burn. not all is lost, now is not the time for fear.
the demands are not unexpected; this is mingjue needing to feel safe. xichen leans forward, until their foreheads touch and there's little space between them.] I promise you, my love. I will ensure that he does not come here or near you and Huaisang, nor will he be invited to Cloud Recess. Not as we search for answers, no matter what we find. [it hurts to make this promise, for meng yao has been the one to hold xichen together as things felt like they were falling apart. yet, meng yao has also comforted his sworn brother and promised that his only wish was to support him in helping mingjue -- all the while playing something that did the opposite of that.
xichen cannot -- will not -- ignore it.] But right now I need you to focus on me, A-Jue. On us, here. Right now. [he cannot let the other man keep feeding his anger, focusing on the possibilities and the wrongs done. there is no time to stand, to retrieve his guqin from where it sits in huaisang's rooms. even shoyue is not on option, for xichen does not wish to let go. clarity sounds softer as he hums, perhaps more intimate, but the song should have at least some of it's usual effects. xichen pours his energy into it, hopes that it is enough to stabilize mingjue's meridians enough that a subsequent qi exchange will mend some of the damage done.]
[ A part of him wishes that he was over the edge. It would be a thousand times easier if he could give into the pain and aching agony of being filled with rage, as if it could fill up all the broken parts inside of him. It would be easier than facing the betrayal of someone he had trusted with so much standing right in front of him.
Whatever Meng Yao is doing, whatever truth Xichen is discovering, it is severing them all apart so completely that there is no way to rebuild it, to put it all back together, to make them as they were again. They were honoured brothers, they were a trio, brothers, and all of that has been torn apart. All of that has been ripped into pieces all because Meng Yao wants something he cannot simply ask for.
What else could there be?
Reaching out, he wraps his arms around Xichen, draws him close, urging him to settle in his lap. Mingjue is big enough for it, big enough to hold him close like this, so he does. He can lean into his other half, let his forehead rest against him, let himself be drowned in the feeling of being safe, of being known, of being wanted - of someone who is loved.
Breathing out, his voice is shaky. ] If he steps foot anywhere he has been told he is not permitted I will kill him. You know I am not lying, a-Huan. I spared his life once before and I will not make that mistake again.
[ Shivering, he nudges their noses together. ]
I'm here. I am focussed on you and nothing else. You can stop with the song.
[relief washes over xichen, crashes into him like a tidal wave into the shore. in mingjue's hold, he always finds himself feeling protected and safe. here, in his lover's arms, he is home.
his arms slip around the larger man's shoulders as he settles in his lap, pull him tighter against him as they breathe in each other's air.
all the wrongs that lead them to a near breaking point have not been righted, but it feels like something is starting to mend. if the circumstances that drew them here were different, xichen would not complain if they never moved from this position again.
he stops humming slowly after mingjue speaks, leans in to tentatively press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. when he draws back, it's only to press their foreheads together again.] We must figure out what he's doing first, my heart, or the Chief Cultivator will demand retribution.
[meng yao is now jin guangshan's only heir and they have to tread carefully but xichen does not try to make the case for their younger sworn brother's life now. earlier in the day, he would have.
he leans forward again, brushing their noses together as mingjue had.] Will you allow me to play for you properly and check your meridians later?
[ His connection with Xichen isn't as tangible as it could be, isn't as physical as some people would like, but Mingjue knows him. Nie Mingjue has known Lan Xichen for long enough, but they have also been lovers for long enough that he knows exactly how this man will react to the comfort of his arms.
Lifting his arm, he strokes it absently down Lan Xichen's back, feeling out the shape of his spine, letting himself trace the shape of his body. It's comforting, anchoring him back to the world and away from the sharp, burning red of his anger.
He leans in, letting a kiss press against the side of Xichen's head before he makes himself a little more comfortable. ]
I don't care what the Chief Cultivator says. You and I both know he doesn't care about anything that Meng Yao does beyond making the Jin Clan look good. If we come to the other Sects with this information...
[ He hesitates, breathing out. He loathes when Xichen is right, but he can't just wait. It feels too impossible.
Shaking his head, he leans back and looks at Xichen before he makes a soft little noise. ]
[xichen is not a small man by any means, rarely feels dwarfed by another man. in mingjue's arms he doesn't necessarily feel small, instead he feels protected and sheltered. that is rare in his life, something he's eternally grateful is shared between just the two of them.
one of his arms lays over mingjue's shoulders, the other slips back so he can run his fingers through the silky strands at his lover's nape before deciding to massage the tightness he feels in tense muscles.] First we must also gather that information and ensure that if he does not act appropriately, we have something to bring to the other clans.
[when mingjue leans back, xichen does too. he takes him in. this is the mingjue he knows, the man who is his match in their most private of moments and on the battlefield. there's sadness in his eyes then, colored with guilt. ] When I have failed to protect, is this really too protective?
[ Mingjue can allow himself to be softer around Xichen, let himself curl around him, settle into him, and it grounds him. It's anchoring more than anything else, and he wonders if Xichen is aware of just what he can do to him like this. He feels safe, comfortable, made whole, and while his tongue is too heavy to admit it... It's there. It feels like he has come home.
Breathing out, he tries not to snap, to fall into that easy waterfall of anger. ] As if he doesn't want to get rid of Meng Yao as soon as he can anyway. It's been like that since the beginning! If I had never -
[ If he hadn't given Mang Yao a second chance, if he hadn't let his life be the bargain for his...
He shakes his head, lifting his fingers to touch Xichen's jawline. There is tenderness here, even with how large his fingers are. ] You didn't fail. You have never failed me.
[though he's the one in mingjue's lap, xichen can feel the other's weight settle into him. there's a comfort in that too, in knowing that his lover trusts him enough to let his guard down around him.
he nods as mingjue speaks, still frowning.] That may be so but Meng Yao has credibility outside of his sect now. [xichen did that, dragged mingjue along to ensure it.] That is something I must undo.
[it's a serious matter he knows, but mingjue's touch is distracting. xichen has always been sensitive along his neck and jawline, right below his ears. the tenderness makes him shudder, distracts him for a moment -- enough to lean into his hand -- but not wholly.] Didn't I? I didn't listen to you. [he'd taught meng yao to play.]
[ Mingjue is more himself now, a scoffing little noise coming as he wraps his arms tighter around Xichen. He doesn't want to be pulled away, to draw away, wants nothing more than to let himself feel safe and protected by someone who knows how the music should be played.
He never should have let Meng Yao anywhere near him. He thought that their promise to be the best of honoured brothers would bring him back to the side of goodness, not the side of bad.
Leaning forward, he rests his head on Xichen's shoulder, careful with the weight of his bulk. ]
Alright. [with mingjue more of himself, xichen can breath a bit easier. he says it softly, playful.
he can forget logic and reason now, can enjoy the comfort of mingjue pulling him against his chest. he tightens his own hold, turns his head to press his lips into mingjue's hair as he tries to shield him.
from meng yao, from the world. selfishly, he keeps him to himself.] Your suspicion wasn't ungrounded and I did not listen to the man I love. [part of the reason that their relationship is so strong, xichen knows, is that they are not normally blinded by their love -- that they can disagree and be stronger for it. but in this instance, xichen does not find strength in that.] Let me be sorry and right it, my heart.
They were ungrounded because I was already suspicious of his nature, a-Huan. Those that trust him would never see beyond his smiles.
[ Nie Mingjue had been the only one to truly witness the moment his general had been killed, after all - and there's no forgetting the look on Meng Yao's face when that had happened. There's no going back, and despite how much pain it had caused him to remove him from the Sect it had been the only option.
There's something gratifying about knowing that he was right to do it, that somehow his instincts hadn't been incorrect, even if he wishes he'd had the strength to use Baxia at that time.
Breathing out, he shakes his head and does little more than offer himself towards Xichen, head tilted. ]
What do you intend to do? Truly, what is your plan?
[xichen let's out a soft frustrated huff into mingjue's hair, knows the other man is right in this. that he only saw a side of meng yao that was meant to be seen, with reason.
it causes the ache in his chest to worsen. he wishes to think that there was truth in what the man had shown him, genuineness. it brings up panic at a loss of something he cannot put into words.
he presses another kiss to mingjue's temple, his brow.] First, to find out what exactly he's been playing for you.
[ Mingjue moves his hand carefully, stroking his hand gently, tenderly, along the length of his spine. He wants to comfort Xichen, of course he does, but it's difficult when his anger and frustration is burning through him and makes him feel sharp, as wretched a blade as the one he carries.
The library. [xichen agrees, softly.] We find out the song and find leverage. Then I will speak with him.
[not before speaking to his uncle, figuring out a way to ensure that jin guangshan cannot be manipulated by his own greed and meng yao's words. it scares xichen that he can think like this, that he is aware of the ways meng yao could move when cornered and yet he'd been blind to this.
he tilts his head down, he shifts in mingjue's lap enough so that he can press their foreheads together again, brush their noses together. breathing the same air, tucked away like this, the world feels momentarily safer.] In the mean time, is it selfish for me to ask that you stay by my side? Until we see this through?
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no subject
It's been difficult for him to be otherwise; the way that he cultivates has always been something dangerous, something that burns through him and leaves him something of a husk on the inside. That hasn't changed over the last few months, even with the realisation that so many things have changed and are going wrong, the knowledge that he has been fighting against what feels like an impossible foe. Xichen's belief in people is as strong as Mingjue's desire for justice, and there's no escaping that.
Discussing Meng Yao has become a new trigger for him, and it burns inside of him in an angry, irritated way, because he wants to be proven right.
He has been trying to force Meng Yao back onto the path of righteousness with sheer strength of will, but none of it had worked. He knows that his partner - beyond brother, no matter what the world thinks - still has faith in Meng Yao, had been teaching him so that he could help with Mingjue's anger, but none of it feels right. Nothing feels right inside of him; there's a knot inside of him that feels as though it's being pulled out of him.
It's not to say that he's been avoiding Xichen since some of his own anger and frustration has burned through him, but he has not been making it easy, either. He's hurt and angry, feeling on the brink of betrayal despite the fact that he knows just how warm and kind Xichen is. His advisors and elders are breathing down his neck about settling down and making things comfortable, of what Qinghe Nie needs to do next to stay on the main stage, and he feels overwhelmed.
All of it is giving him a headache.
When he storms out of his offices and back to his chambers he pushes open the door with a sharp snap. When he steps in and sees Xichen he freezes in the frame, his eyes narrowing for a moment - and it looks like he is ready to immediately turn around and walk in the other direction. ]
no subject
on the outside, the first jade of lan still looks like the caricature of perfection.
the tea is poured, the cups set out when he hears the door snap open with force. it draws his attention up from where he's seated, hands folded in his lap. he can not make sense of the song, knows that he is pulling at straws and that there is likely something that could help him back in the library of cloud recess.
the purpose is unclear, but the fact remains that this is different than what he'd taught meng yao and different from what they'd played for mingjue together.
he is not sure what makes him feel worse in this moment; the fact that meng yao has listened to his worries and soothed his fears, promised to help in any way he could while playing this grating song for their sworn brother or the fact that he has pushed back on every single one of mingjue's suspicions, found a way to reason and diffuse when something had been clearly wrong. he'd hoped that even if it put a divide between them they could not overcome, at least he could be confident that the looming threat of qi deviation from mingjue's anger would be kept at bay. there was comfort in that, in his safety.
it's none of that. it is that when he looks up toward the doorway, he can see the tension in his partner's frame. not too long ago, though it now feels like a decade, there would not have been a drop of hesitation between them. mingjue would have walked into the room, xichen would have risen to meet him half way. they'd been pulled toward one another.
now xichen remains where he is, standing to greet him. he still feels pulled, like he's denying every instinct that he'd learned to follow in the safety of their rooms and without the weight of the precepts on his shoulders.] A-Jue. [the man before him would see behind a smile that would look genuine to most, so xichen does not insult him by forcing it.] I'm sorry I didn't warn you, I didn't know when you'd be back and there's something-- Something I must tell you.
no subject
[ It's not the gentle, rolling 'er-ge' that Meng Yao might offer, nor is it the familiar comfort of 'a-Huan' that is custom between them in private moments. Mingjue is too strung up for that and feels too coiled, a spring ready to snap. Baxia lifts from his shoulders without his hand moving and goes to rest in its place beside his desk, his eyes barely leaving the other man. Any other time, any other moment, and Mingjue would be thrilled to see his lover in front of him.
The moment is different now.
There has been much that has come between them; Meng Yao being the foremost, leading to other tense words and crossed brows. He doesn't like it - hates it, truly - because it festers under his skin like an infection, like a wound, lending itself to his anger and his hurt and heartache. Brooding about Xichen does little more than worsen his already problematic temper, and nothing Meng Yao nor Huaisang does can settle him down. He feels worse, more often than not, and all he can blame it on is his irritation with his honoured brother.
He sees the tea and, for just a moment, he considers turning his back and leaving Xichen where he is. Unfortunately, both propriety and his own heart refuses to allow it and he ends up stepping into the room and settling, crossing his legs under his weight before he looks over the table.
It's hard. It was never meant to be this hard. Mingjue feels sick with it. ]
If it's more about the merits of our honoured brother then I don't want to hear it. [ He takes his own cup of tea - refusing his partner the honour of offering it to him properly, a little slight that he can muster himself. Even in his frustration and the ache of his heart, though, there's something tender under it all: something reserved for Xichen alone, because this is the man that Mingjue loves the most, even now.
Breathing out, he tilts his head back just a little. ]
You know you're always welcome here, no matter what news you bring. Go ahead.
no subject
he knows he deserves the barrier the name puts up between them, for lately they've both dropped long-used and familiar endearments. it hasn't been in favor of anything, but perhaps to put distance between them and the words and actions that have started to cut deep.
he had hoped to bridge the gap those wounds have allowed to grow as they fester; he's not sure they still can.
xichen watches as baxia moves on its own accord, the energy around it far from calm. then mingjue is before him and xichen feels like he's lost track of him as he sits, hesitates for a moment before joining him.
he moves to pour tea but it seems with both cutting words and actions, his lover is in no mood to pull back any blows. he deserves it, he knows, but it stings. another time, it would have grated him in a different way. the comment would have had the opposite effect, triggered the very thing that lead them down the familiar path to a fight over meng yao. xichen would insist that meng yao does have merits, speak for the actions that have proven his character and against mingjue's biases but now. well, now, he cannot.
he thinks back to meng yao's letters, to soft words that appeased his own worries for mingjue's state and promised to do anything to help.
xichen wants to know what this song is, why it grates at his nerves and what meng yao intends with it. why it's different. but that is not the matter to deal with now.
he lets out a soft sigh, reaches for his own cup of tea but makes no move to bring it to his lips. 'speak honestly', states the wall of precepts. xichen has lived to be the embodiment of everything written on those ancient stones but honesty here is a delicate thing, with everyone involved.] Not a matter of his merit, no, but I am afraid it does have to do with our brother. [he says carefully.] Or rather with something that he has done that I do not understand.
I know I have asked for your trust and you have always granted it. [breathe in, breathe out, he thinks.] It's wholly in your right not to now, when it seems my trust may be misplaced, but before I explain I must ask that you do not allow anyone else to play Clarity for you.
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There's something sharp inside of him, something dangerous and dark, burning from the thrum of his cultivation. It means that sometimes his irritation can get the better of him, his anger can make him hurt the people he cares about. He has been snappish with Huaisang and now he is being irritable to Xichen, the people he cares about the most in the world. The people he loves most in the world, if he is entirely honest with himself.
Settling himself, he forces himself to stay calm and comfortable. He sips at his tea and pretends he doesn't ache from the cruelty he had shown Xichen, from taking the kindness and politeness that has been ripped away from them. Taking a long, deep breath, he forces himself to be calm, to be settled, to stay comfortable and at peace. It aches inside of him, but he manages to bow his head and stop himself from saying something sharp.
He's still angry about Meng Yao. He will always be angry about Meng Yao. There's no hiding that, not when Xichen constantly reminding him about his merits, as if Mingjue should have forgiven him completely.
Swallowing, he puts his teacup down. He glances over at Xichen and tries to act as though there is not something hurting inside of him. He wants to reach out to Xichen already, wants to reach out and take his hand, to offer softness and kindness, to bring him into his arms and whisper a-Huan into his ear and tell him that it's all okay.
But he can't.
The words spark something inside of him, though, and his attention focusses entirely on Xichen. ] Something that he's done? What has he done now?
[ Eyes narrowing, he leans forward. ]
Why shouldn't I let anyone else play it? You taught it to Meng Yao and he taught it to Huaisang. They're supposed to be helping me.
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they're on the cusp of something and in this moment, xichen knows it will also hurt.
still, to say nothing would put mingjue in harms way even if he does not understand meng yao's intent. it would also put huaisang in danger and if he did so knowingly, he knows his partner would never forgive him.] What he's taught Huaisang is what concerns me.
[it would be easier to show him, to write the notes out to show the difference, but that would take time and xichen's instincts scream that now it's too late to stray off course. it's more important to not wander too far. he makes the decision to move closer instead, stays at the table but settles to mingjue's right instead of across from him. it is perhaps unwise, as it puts him in baxia's path were mingjue to call the blade, but he has faith in his lover.] Huaisang asked to practice with me today and while his affinity for the music is clear, the song he played was not Clarity. It's not what Meng Yao and I play for you together either, though the changes are subtle enough.
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If Xichen is now telling him not to allow Meng Yao to perform to him, that there is something wrong with Huaisang's performances, then there's only one conclusion to make. His hand tenses around his teacup until he can feel it crack under his grip, strength getting the better of him. Thankfully he has better grace than some and reaches to put it down before he can do something he regrets - or something he won't be able to explain away.
(His anger is causing his disciples many issues these days. He thinks this would just be another one to add to their list).
Leaning forward, eyes narrowed, he speaks. Mingjue's voice is cool, anger burning under the surface as he tries to muster himself. ]
What are you telling me, Xichen?
[ It's there, waiting to be said. It's as though he is on the edge of a waterfall and whatever his lover will tell him will shove him over the edge. He can already feel his eyes bleeding colour with his anger. ]
What is wrong with his song? What has he been teaching my brother?!
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it's terrifying to see him tremble, to see the anger boiling to the surface and the energy around his lover shift. there is a change in him and xichen wonders if it would have been better to deal with this alone, but with huaisang involved mingjue would have not been able to stand for that if he found out after the fact.
he takes a deep breath, moves closer. mingjue's cheek is hot underneath his palm as he cups his cheek, hopes the touch -- intimate, familiar -- grounds him to this moment instead of where the spiral leads. his other hand rests over the other's forearm, his gaze remains on mingjue and he holds his gaze.] I'm telling you that you were right to be wary, my heart. [and xichen the fool for not truly listening.] I'm sorry.
Huaisang is safe and unharmed by it, A-Jue. [you'll be safe.] I don't know what the song is, only that the chords are played in the wrong order and do not calm as 'Clarity' should. I need-- we need time to figure out what it is but I believe the answer may be within Cloud Recess' library.
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The only thing that grounds his in the touch of a hand to his skin, feeling like ice with the warmth that consumes him. His eyes open for a moment, almost flickering, not able to focus on the figure in front of him beyond the odd shapes of blues and whites. Xichen is here, touching him, trying to calm him, but all Mingjue can feel is the pain in his heart.
His brother. His home. Himself. All ripped away, taken, destroyed by someone he trusted. Someone he cared about. He had faith in him, had taken him in, made him a Nie, made him one of his people, and still the betrayal stings, burns, eats at him.
Lifting his head, he gasps as he focuses on his lover, eyes flickering. ]
He will not come anywhere near me. He will not come anywhere near Huaisang. He will never step foot in Qinghe again, nor will he be permitted in Cloud Recess. Promise me, a-Huan. You have to swear.
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he holds his breath, forces his hands to remain steady though he cannot suppress the way they tremble wholly as his right thumb slides over mingjue's cheekbone.
but he's there. mingjue's eyes flicker and xichen feels grounded again, tethered to the world and the man before him even as he sees the rage within him continues to burn. not all is lost, now is not the time for fear.
the demands are not unexpected; this is mingjue needing to feel safe. xichen leans forward, until their foreheads touch and there's little space between them.] I promise you, my love. I will ensure that he does not come here or near you and Huaisang, nor will he be invited to Cloud Recess. Not as we search for answers, no matter what we find. [it hurts to make this promise, for meng yao has been the one to hold xichen together as things felt like they were falling apart. yet, meng yao has also comforted his sworn brother and promised that his only wish was to support him in helping mingjue -- all the while playing something that did the opposite of that.
xichen cannot -- will not -- ignore it.] But right now I need you to focus on me, A-Jue. On us, here. Right now. [he cannot let the other man keep feeding his anger, focusing on the possibilities and the wrongs done. there is no time to stand, to retrieve his guqin from where it sits in huaisang's rooms. even shoyue is not on option, for xichen does not wish to let go. clarity sounds softer as he hums, perhaps more intimate, but the song should have at least some of it's usual effects. xichen pours his energy into it, hopes that it is enough to stabilize mingjue's meridians enough that a subsequent qi exchange will mend some of the damage done.]
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Whatever Meng Yao is doing, whatever truth Xichen is discovering, it is severing them all apart so completely that there is no way to rebuild it, to put it all back together, to make them as they were again. They were honoured brothers, they were a trio, brothers, and all of that has been torn apart. All of that has been ripped into pieces all because Meng Yao wants something he cannot simply ask for.
What else could there be?
Reaching out, he wraps his arms around Xichen, draws him close, urging him to settle in his lap. Mingjue is big enough for it, big enough to hold him close like this, so he does. He can lean into his other half, let his forehead rest against him, let himself be drowned in the feeling of being safe, of being known, of being wanted - of someone who is loved.
Breathing out, his voice is shaky. ] If he steps foot anywhere he has been told he is not permitted I will kill him. You know I am not lying, a-Huan. I spared his life once before and I will not make that mistake again.
[ Shivering, he nudges their noses together. ]
I'm here. I am focussed on you and nothing else. You can stop with the song.
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his arms slip around the larger man's shoulders as he settles in his lap, pull him tighter against him as they breathe in each other's air.
all the wrongs that lead them to a near breaking point have not been righted, but it feels like something is starting to mend. if the circumstances that drew them here were different, xichen would not complain if they never moved from this position again.
he stops humming slowly after mingjue speaks, leans in to tentatively press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. when he draws back, it's only to press their foreheads together again.] We must figure out what he's doing first, my heart, or the Chief Cultivator will demand retribution.
[meng yao is now jin guangshan's only heir and they have to tread carefully but xichen does not try to make the case for their younger sworn brother's life now. earlier in the day, he would have.
he leans forward again, brushing their noses together as mingjue had.] Will you allow me to play for you properly and check your meridians later?
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Lifting his arm, he strokes it absently down Lan Xichen's back, feeling out the shape of his spine, letting himself trace the shape of his body. It's comforting, anchoring him back to the world and away from the sharp, burning red of his anger.
He leans in, letting a kiss press against the side of Xichen's head before he makes himself a little more comfortable. ]
I don't care what the Chief Cultivator says. You and I both know he doesn't care about anything that Meng Yao does beyond making the Jin Clan look good. If we come to the other Sects with this information...
[ He hesitates, breathing out. He loathes when Xichen is right, but he can't just wait. It feels too impossible.
Shaking his head, he leans back and looks at Xichen before he makes a soft little noise. ]
You are too protective. But if you have to.
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one of his arms lays over mingjue's shoulders, the other slips back so he can run his fingers through the silky strands at his lover's nape before deciding to massage the tightness he feels in tense muscles.] First we must also gather that information and ensure that if he does not act appropriately, we have something to bring to the other clans.
[when mingjue leans back, xichen does too. he takes him in. this is the mingjue he knows, the man who is his match in their most private of moments and on the battlefield. there's sadness in his eyes then, colored with guilt. ] When I have failed to protect, is this really too protective?
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Breathing out, he tries not to snap, to fall into that easy waterfall of anger. ] As if he doesn't want to get rid of Meng Yao as soon as he can anyway. It's been like that since the beginning! If I had never -
[ If he hadn't given Mang Yao a second chance, if he hadn't let his life be the bargain for his...
He shakes his head, lifting his fingers to touch Xichen's jawline. There is tenderness here, even with how large his fingers are. ] You didn't fail. You have never failed me.
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he nods as mingjue speaks, still frowning.] That may be so but Meng Yao has credibility outside of his sect now. [xichen did that, dragged mingjue along to ensure it.] That is something I must undo.
[it's a serious matter he knows, but mingjue's touch is distracting. xichen has always been sensitive along his neck and jawline, right below his ears. the tenderness makes him shudder, distracts him for a moment -- enough to lean into his hand -- but not wholly.] Didn't I? I didn't listen to you. [he'd taught meng yao to play.]
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[ Mingjue is more himself now, a scoffing little noise coming as he wraps his arms tighter around Xichen. He doesn't want to be pulled away, to draw away, wants nothing more than to let himself feel safe and protected by someone who knows how the music should be played.
He never should have let Meng Yao anywhere near him. He thought that their promise to be the best of honoured brothers would bring him back to the side of goodness, not the side of bad.
Leaning forward, he rests his head on Xichen's shoulder, careful with the weight of his bulk. ]
You had no reason to until now.
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he can forget logic and reason now, can enjoy the comfort of mingjue pulling him against his chest. he tightens his own hold, turns his head to press his lips into mingjue's hair as he tries to shield him.
from meng yao, from the world. selfishly, he keeps him to himself.] Your suspicion wasn't ungrounded and I did not listen to the man I love. [part of the reason that their relationship is so strong, xichen knows, is that they are not normally blinded by their love -- that they can disagree and be stronger for it. but in this instance, xichen does not find strength in that.] Let me be sorry and right it, my heart.
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[ Nie Mingjue had been the only one to truly witness the moment his general had been killed, after all - and there's no forgetting the look on Meng Yao's face when that had happened. There's no going back, and despite how much pain it had caused him to remove him from the Sect it had been the only option.
There's something gratifying about knowing that he was right to do it, that somehow his instincts hadn't been incorrect, even if he wishes he'd had the strength to use Baxia at that time.
Breathing out, he shakes his head and does little more than offer himself towards Xichen, head tilted. ]
What do you intend to do? Truly, what is your plan?
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it causes the ache in his chest to worsen. he wishes to think that there was truth in what the man had shown him, genuineness. it brings up panic at a loss of something he cannot put into words.
he presses another kiss to mingjue's temple, his brow.] First, to find out what exactly he's been playing for you.
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[ Mingjue moves his hand carefully, stroking his hand gently, tenderly, along the length of his spine. He wants to comfort Xichen, of course he does, but it's difficult when his anger and frustration is burning through him and makes him feel sharp, as wretched a blade as the one he carries.
Tilting his head, he sighs softly. ]
The library, I imagine. Your books.
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[not before speaking to his uncle, figuring out a way to ensure that jin guangshan cannot be manipulated by his own greed and meng yao's words. it scares xichen that he can think like this, that he is aware of the ways meng yao could move when cornered and yet he'd been blind to this.
he tilts his head down, he shifts in mingjue's lap enough so that he can press their foreheads together again, brush their noses together. breathing the same air, tucked away like this, the world feels momentarily safer.] In the mean time, is it selfish for me to ask that you stay by my side? Until we see this through?