[ A part of him wishes that he was over the edge. It would be a thousand times easier if he could give into the pain and aching agony of being filled with rage, as if it could fill up all the broken parts inside of him. It would be easier than facing the betrayal of someone he had trusted with so much standing right in front of him.
Whatever Meng Yao is doing, whatever truth Xichen is discovering, it is severing them all apart so completely that there is no way to rebuild it, to put it all back together, to make them as they were again. They were honoured brothers, they were a trio, brothers, and all of that has been torn apart. All of that has been ripped into pieces all because Meng Yao wants something he cannot simply ask for.
What else could there be?
Reaching out, he wraps his arms around Xichen, draws him close, urging him to settle in his lap. Mingjue is big enough for it, big enough to hold him close like this, so he does. He can lean into his other half, let his forehead rest against him, let himself be drowned in the feeling of being safe, of being known, of being wanted - of someone who is loved.
Breathing out, his voice is shaky. ] If he steps foot anywhere he has been told he is not permitted I will kill him. You know I am not lying, a-Huan. I spared his life once before and I will not make that mistake again.
[ Shivering, he nudges their noses together. ]
I'm here. I am focussed on you and nothing else. You can stop with the song.
[relief washes over xichen, crashes into him like a tidal wave into the shore. in mingjue's hold, he always finds himself feeling protected and safe. here, in his lover's arms, he is home.
his arms slip around the larger man's shoulders as he settles in his lap, pull him tighter against him as they breathe in each other's air.
all the wrongs that lead them to a near breaking point have not been righted, but it feels like something is starting to mend. if the circumstances that drew them here were different, xichen would not complain if they never moved from this position again.
he stops humming slowly after mingjue speaks, leans in to tentatively press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. when he draws back, it's only to press their foreheads together again.] We must figure out what he's doing first, my heart, or the Chief Cultivator will demand retribution.
[meng yao is now jin guangshan's only heir and they have to tread carefully but xichen does not try to make the case for their younger sworn brother's life now. earlier in the day, he would have.
he leans forward again, brushing their noses together as mingjue had.] Will you allow me to play for you properly and check your meridians later?
[ His connection with Xichen isn't as tangible as it could be, isn't as physical as some people would like, but Mingjue knows him. Nie Mingjue has known Lan Xichen for long enough, but they have also been lovers for long enough that he knows exactly how this man will react to the comfort of his arms.
Lifting his arm, he strokes it absently down Lan Xichen's back, feeling out the shape of his spine, letting himself trace the shape of his body. It's comforting, anchoring him back to the world and away from the sharp, burning red of his anger.
He leans in, letting a kiss press against the side of Xichen's head before he makes himself a little more comfortable. ]
I don't care what the Chief Cultivator says. You and I both know he doesn't care about anything that Meng Yao does beyond making the Jin Clan look good. If we come to the other Sects with this information...
[ He hesitates, breathing out. He loathes when Xichen is right, but he can't just wait. It feels too impossible.
Shaking his head, he leans back and looks at Xichen before he makes a soft little noise. ]
[xichen is not a small man by any means, rarely feels dwarfed by another man. in mingjue's arms he doesn't necessarily feel small, instead he feels protected and sheltered. that is rare in his life, something he's eternally grateful is shared between just the two of them.
one of his arms lays over mingjue's shoulders, the other slips back so he can run his fingers through the silky strands at his lover's nape before deciding to massage the tightness he feels in tense muscles.] First we must also gather that information and ensure that if he does not act appropriately, we have something to bring to the other clans.
[when mingjue leans back, xichen does too. he takes him in. this is the mingjue he knows, the man who is his match in their most private of moments and on the battlefield. there's sadness in his eyes then, colored with guilt. ] When I have failed to protect, is this really too protective?
[ Mingjue can allow himself to be softer around Xichen, let himself curl around him, settle into him, and it grounds him. It's anchoring more than anything else, and he wonders if Xichen is aware of just what he can do to him like this. He feels safe, comfortable, made whole, and while his tongue is too heavy to admit it... It's there. It feels like he has come home.
Breathing out, he tries not to snap, to fall into that easy waterfall of anger. ] As if he doesn't want to get rid of Meng Yao as soon as he can anyway. It's been like that since the beginning! If I had never -
[ If he hadn't given Mang Yao a second chance, if he hadn't let his life be the bargain for his...
He shakes his head, lifting his fingers to touch Xichen's jawline. There is tenderness here, even with how large his fingers are. ] You didn't fail. You have never failed me.
[though he's the one in mingjue's lap, xichen can feel the other's weight settle into him. there's a comfort in that too, in knowing that his lover trusts him enough to let his guard down around him.
he nods as mingjue speaks, still frowning.] That may be so but Meng Yao has credibility outside of his sect now. [xichen did that, dragged mingjue along to ensure it.] That is something I must undo.
[it's a serious matter he knows, but mingjue's touch is distracting. xichen has always been sensitive along his neck and jawline, right below his ears. the tenderness makes him shudder, distracts him for a moment -- enough to lean into his hand -- but not wholly.] Didn't I? I didn't listen to you. [he'd taught meng yao to play.]
[ Mingjue is more himself now, a scoffing little noise coming as he wraps his arms tighter around Xichen. He doesn't want to be pulled away, to draw away, wants nothing more than to let himself feel safe and protected by someone who knows how the music should be played.
He never should have let Meng Yao anywhere near him. He thought that their promise to be the best of honoured brothers would bring him back to the side of goodness, not the side of bad.
Leaning forward, he rests his head on Xichen's shoulder, careful with the weight of his bulk. ]
Alright. [with mingjue more of himself, xichen can breath a bit easier. he says it softly, playful.
he can forget logic and reason now, can enjoy the comfort of mingjue pulling him against his chest. he tightens his own hold, turns his head to press his lips into mingjue's hair as he tries to shield him.
from meng yao, from the world. selfishly, he keeps him to himself.] Your suspicion wasn't ungrounded and I did not listen to the man I love. [part of the reason that their relationship is so strong, xichen knows, is that they are not normally blinded by their love -- that they can disagree and be stronger for it. but in this instance, xichen does not find strength in that.] Let me be sorry and right it, my heart.
They were ungrounded because I was already suspicious of his nature, a-Huan. Those that trust him would never see beyond his smiles.
[ Nie Mingjue had been the only one to truly witness the moment his general had been killed, after all - and there's no forgetting the look on Meng Yao's face when that had happened. There's no going back, and despite how much pain it had caused him to remove him from the Sect it had been the only option.
There's something gratifying about knowing that he was right to do it, that somehow his instincts hadn't been incorrect, even if he wishes he'd had the strength to use Baxia at that time.
Breathing out, he shakes his head and does little more than offer himself towards Xichen, head tilted. ]
What do you intend to do? Truly, what is your plan?
[xichen let's out a soft frustrated huff into mingjue's hair, knows the other man is right in this. that he only saw a side of meng yao that was meant to be seen, with reason.
it causes the ache in his chest to worsen. he wishes to think that there was truth in what the man had shown him, genuineness. it brings up panic at a loss of something he cannot put into words.
he presses another kiss to mingjue's temple, his brow.] First, to find out what exactly he's been playing for you.
[ Mingjue moves his hand carefully, stroking his hand gently, tenderly, along the length of his spine. He wants to comfort Xichen, of course he does, but it's difficult when his anger and frustration is burning through him and makes him feel sharp, as wretched a blade as the one he carries.
The library. [xichen agrees, softly.] We find out the song and find leverage. Then I will speak with him.
[not before speaking to his uncle, figuring out a way to ensure that jin guangshan cannot be manipulated by his own greed and meng yao's words. it scares xichen that he can think like this, that he is aware of the ways meng yao could move when cornered and yet he'd been blind to this.
he tilts his head down, he shifts in mingjue's lap enough so that he can press their foreheads together again, brush their noses together. breathing the same air, tucked away like this, the world feels momentarily safer.] In the mean time, is it selfish for me to ask that you stay by my side? Until we see this through?
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no subject
Whatever Meng Yao is doing, whatever truth Xichen is discovering, it is severing them all apart so completely that there is no way to rebuild it, to put it all back together, to make them as they were again. They were honoured brothers, they were a trio, brothers, and all of that has been torn apart. All of that has been ripped into pieces all because Meng Yao wants something he cannot simply ask for.
What else could there be?
Reaching out, he wraps his arms around Xichen, draws him close, urging him to settle in his lap. Mingjue is big enough for it, big enough to hold him close like this, so he does. He can lean into his other half, let his forehead rest against him, let himself be drowned in the feeling of being safe, of being known, of being wanted - of someone who is loved.
Breathing out, his voice is shaky. ] If he steps foot anywhere he has been told he is not permitted I will kill him. You know I am not lying, a-Huan. I spared his life once before and I will not make that mistake again.
[ Shivering, he nudges their noses together. ]
I'm here. I am focussed on you and nothing else. You can stop with the song.
no subject
his arms slip around the larger man's shoulders as he settles in his lap, pull him tighter against him as they breathe in each other's air.
all the wrongs that lead them to a near breaking point have not been righted, but it feels like something is starting to mend. if the circumstances that drew them here were different, xichen would not complain if they never moved from this position again.
he stops humming slowly after mingjue speaks, leans in to tentatively press a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. when he draws back, it's only to press their foreheads together again.] We must figure out what he's doing first, my heart, or the Chief Cultivator will demand retribution.
[meng yao is now jin guangshan's only heir and they have to tread carefully but xichen does not try to make the case for their younger sworn brother's life now. earlier in the day, he would have.
he leans forward again, brushing their noses together as mingjue had.] Will you allow me to play for you properly and check your meridians later?
no subject
Lifting his arm, he strokes it absently down Lan Xichen's back, feeling out the shape of his spine, letting himself trace the shape of his body. It's comforting, anchoring him back to the world and away from the sharp, burning red of his anger.
He leans in, letting a kiss press against the side of Xichen's head before he makes himself a little more comfortable. ]
I don't care what the Chief Cultivator says. You and I both know he doesn't care about anything that Meng Yao does beyond making the Jin Clan look good. If we come to the other Sects with this information...
[ He hesitates, breathing out. He loathes when Xichen is right, but he can't just wait. It feels too impossible.
Shaking his head, he leans back and looks at Xichen before he makes a soft little noise. ]
You are too protective. But if you have to.
no subject
one of his arms lays over mingjue's shoulders, the other slips back so he can run his fingers through the silky strands at his lover's nape before deciding to massage the tightness he feels in tense muscles.] First we must also gather that information and ensure that if he does not act appropriately, we have something to bring to the other clans.
[when mingjue leans back, xichen does too. he takes him in. this is the mingjue he knows, the man who is his match in their most private of moments and on the battlefield. there's sadness in his eyes then, colored with guilt. ] When I have failed to protect, is this really too protective?
no subject
Breathing out, he tries not to snap, to fall into that easy waterfall of anger. ] As if he doesn't want to get rid of Meng Yao as soon as he can anyway. It's been like that since the beginning! If I had never -
[ If he hadn't given Mang Yao a second chance, if he hadn't let his life be the bargain for his...
He shakes his head, lifting his fingers to touch Xichen's jawline. There is tenderness here, even with how large his fingers are. ] You didn't fail. You have never failed me.
no subject
he nods as mingjue speaks, still frowning.] That may be so but Meng Yao has credibility outside of his sect now. [xichen did that, dragged mingjue along to ensure it.] That is something I must undo.
[it's a serious matter he knows, but mingjue's touch is distracting. xichen has always been sensitive along his neck and jawline, right below his ears. the tenderness makes him shudder, distracts him for a moment -- enough to lean into his hand -- but not wholly.] Didn't I? I didn't listen to you. [he'd taught meng yao to play.]
no subject
[ Mingjue is more himself now, a scoffing little noise coming as he wraps his arms tighter around Xichen. He doesn't want to be pulled away, to draw away, wants nothing more than to let himself feel safe and protected by someone who knows how the music should be played.
He never should have let Meng Yao anywhere near him. He thought that their promise to be the best of honoured brothers would bring him back to the side of goodness, not the side of bad.
Leaning forward, he rests his head on Xichen's shoulder, careful with the weight of his bulk. ]
You had no reason to until now.
no subject
he can forget logic and reason now, can enjoy the comfort of mingjue pulling him against his chest. he tightens his own hold, turns his head to press his lips into mingjue's hair as he tries to shield him.
from meng yao, from the world. selfishly, he keeps him to himself.] Your suspicion wasn't ungrounded and I did not listen to the man I love. [part of the reason that their relationship is so strong, xichen knows, is that they are not normally blinded by their love -- that they can disagree and be stronger for it. but in this instance, xichen does not find strength in that.] Let me be sorry and right it, my heart.
no subject
[ Nie Mingjue had been the only one to truly witness the moment his general had been killed, after all - and there's no forgetting the look on Meng Yao's face when that had happened. There's no going back, and despite how much pain it had caused him to remove him from the Sect it had been the only option.
There's something gratifying about knowing that he was right to do it, that somehow his instincts hadn't been incorrect, even if he wishes he'd had the strength to use Baxia at that time.
Breathing out, he shakes his head and does little more than offer himself towards Xichen, head tilted. ]
What do you intend to do? Truly, what is your plan?
no subject
it causes the ache in his chest to worsen. he wishes to think that there was truth in what the man had shown him, genuineness. it brings up panic at a loss of something he cannot put into words.
he presses another kiss to mingjue's temple, his brow.] First, to find out what exactly he's been playing for you.
no subject
[ Mingjue moves his hand carefully, stroking his hand gently, tenderly, along the length of his spine. He wants to comfort Xichen, of course he does, but it's difficult when his anger and frustration is burning through him and makes him feel sharp, as wretched a blade as the one he carries.
Tilting his head, he sighs softly. ]
The library, I imagine. Your books.
no subject
[not before speaking to his uncle, figuring out a way to ensure that jin guangshan cannot be manipulated by his own greed and meng yao's words. it scares xichen that he can think like this, that he is aware of the ways meng yao could move when cornered and yet he'd been blind to this.
he tilts his head down, he shifts in mingjue's lap enough so that he can press their foreheads together again, brush their noses together. breathing the same air, tucked away like this, the world feels momentarily safer.] In the mean time, is it selfish for me to ask that you stay by my side? Until we see this through?