[ This is not something that Jiang Cheng has spent a great deal of time rationalising; he hadn't dared think too hard about the operation, about the fact that Wei Wuxian had risked so much to give up his own to his martial brother. He knows that if he had been asked he would have refused, that eventually he would have come to terms with the loss of his core, that he might have found some other strength, but...
Bowing his head, he closes his eyes and fights back the rush of tears that prickle at the corner of his eyes. The pain he had felt knowing that Wei Wuxian had made this choice, his own cruel words in the wake of the loss, knowing that he had been part of the reason his brother had fallen into Demonic Cultivation was all tied up with his rage and anger - at being denied a choice, at something of his being risked without consent.
There had never been anyone he could speak to about this, no one he could unburden himself to, until now. With marriage as a protective barrier he feels as though he can confess all his sins and not be shunned for it.
Shaking his head, he barely lets himself look at Xichen. ]
I didn't find out until Wen Ning told me at Lotus Pier. The night we found out the truth about Jin Guangshan's death.
[xichen had not been there that night, when the truths of jin guangshan's death had been revealed to his husband and their brothers, though at the time circumstances had been different.
he lets out a deep sigh, brows furrowed still.
he cannot imagine that night, but he understands what it feels like to have one's world shattered when one man reveals one single truth to the world. it is painful, a raw feeling. it starts as a puncture wound and then spreads, festers as one realizes what it truly means.
xichen had gone into seclusion when his own mind could not find reason in any of it, when he could not stop the wound from consuming him.
he lifts one hand, runs his fingers through jiang cheng's hair as he remains close.] Then he never wished for you to know. [and there is a hint of anger in his voice now, for the lies like that have torn their world apart in so many ways.] That is his mistake.
[ It felt like poison in his veins when he had realised it; when he had to come to terms with the fact that all of his power, all of his strength, was never his to begin with. It was all down to Wei Wuxian and he hates it, feeling twisted up inside with guilt and rage, not even given a chance to think it through before he was being scolded.
Leaning into Xichen makes things a little easier, and Jiang Cheng breathes out a soft, gentle noise, trying to reign in all the strange, twisting feeling inside of himself.
He'd never had any choice, he'd never had any strength, never been anything on his own. All of it, everything he had, came from Wei Wuxian - so why would he be proud of himself now? Why would he be happy? How long until Lan Xichen sees better and leaves him as well?
Turning, he buries his head in Xichen's shoulder, trying to stop himself from breaking into tears. ]
Why would he want me to know? He never told me anything. He never tells me anything. [ He swallows. ] I never knew anything and that's how people wanted it. Foolish, stupid, Jiang Cheng.
[he shifts slightly, turning so he can tuck his husband closer against his him. so that his lips press into jiang cheng's hair, trying to bring comfort through more points of contact between them.
he knows that the relationship between jiang cheng and wei wuxian is still strained, that it is difficult even though time has passed since guanyin temple.] Far from stupid and foolish, my heart. No one else knew. [and that was the point, what wei wuxian had wanted. thinking back, how much would have changed if the man had revealed this to either his own brother or wangji?
jiang cheng's age and lack of standing had benefited the jin clan, of course, but the lies and ] And that is the fault of those who wanted to keep things secret.
[but he knows this feeling, the way it crushes a person and also eats at them from the inside out. that these simple words won't soothe it away so swiftly.]
[ It should make things easier, being wrapped up in Xichen's arms, and most of the time it does. Most of the time Jiang Cheng can shake off his doubts and his pain and his uncertainty and curl up and feel content, but this time the nightmare was too real. This time it bites at him, gnaws at his gut and spine and makes him feel smaller than a child.
None of this has ever been easy; easiness left his life when he was a young boy, when his parents were slaughtered in front of him. The idea of Wei Wuxian doing this to him - for him - and keeping it a secret is so obvious and natural because he had done the same thing: he hadn't told him about being bait for the Wens. They'd both kept secrets.
This one just hurt more than all of the others.
Shaking his head, he breathes out a sharp, little noise, pained and upset. ]
I couldn't do anything. Nothing I have done has ever been because of me. My core, my strength... It isn't mine.
A-Cheng. [xichen says it softly, whispers his husbands name into his hair.
he wishes in this moment that he could go back, change the course of time. save this hurt. while he knows the hurts have shaped jiang cheng into the man he is, the man that xichen loves, he still wishes he could have spared him this.
there is value in the truth, in knowing, yes. xichen still believes that. but still he does not like to see his husband so hurt, so torn apart.
he presses another kiss to his hair, then moves so that he can cup jiang cheng's cheek and tilt his head up so that he can look at him. so that the man can see he's serious about the words he needs him to hear.] A-Cheng, you did so much. You were the one to do it. The core may once not have been yours but it has been for nearly two decades, you've grown it.
[ It's difficult to reconcile himself with the man he had been and the man he has become because of Wei Wuxian's core. It doesn't help, of course, that it was revealed to him in the most violent and painful way possible. He can't blame Wen Ning for wanting to reveal it and shame Jiang Cheng, not after everything, but he still feels the bitterness and the hurt. Wen Ning murdered his brother-in-law, the father of his nephew, led to his sister dying.
Some things are harder to forgive.
The relationship between himself and Wei Wuxian might be improving now, but it doesn't ease Jiang Cheng's nightmares nor his heavy heart. It doesn't make all of this easier to bear no more than it makes his ability to overcome it any better.
It makes him feel pathetic, nothing more, nothing less.
Forced to look up at his husband, Jiang Cheng breathes out a sharp little noise. ] It wouldn't be half as strong if Wei Wuxian hadn't cultivated it first. We all know that is the truth - we all saw him when he was younger. I don't need your pity tonight, a-Huan.
It's not pity, my heart. [xichen says softly but just as firmly, brows creased together as he watches his husband's face.
in what feels like another life, xichen wouldn't have pushed. would not have understood that there was more to what jiang cheng's nightmares had centered around. he shakes his head, before tilting it.] Did it feel stronger than yours? Different? After the surgery?
I don't know. I didn't think anything about it because I thought it was mine. [ Which is painful enough. He hadn't thought to look much deeper than that, to test it and feel if it was any different from what he had known.
Grief had made it almost impossible to remember anyway.
Shaking his head, he tries to reign himself in, feeling oddly pathetic despite the kindness being offered by his husband. ] But it isn't mine. No matter how long I have had it.
If there was nothing you noticed without digging, doesn't that mean it was nearly the same as yours? That you started where you'd left off and all of this is you, my heart? [there's logic there, but xichen knows that when it comes to himself that his husband is skilled at casting logic aside while scolding xichen through his own fits.
they are learning still, how to comfort each other and pull each other back from ledges.] As intimately as I know it, mine calls to it because it is yours.
Wei Wuxian has always been stronger than me. I always knew that, a-Huan. There's no point trying to talk around it. [ It's just been the natural way of things; Wei Wuxian was the stronger, the better cultivator, the more popular.
That does not negate that you are strong, nor everything you've achieved. [a little firmer now, though not sharper. it is not with bite but with conviction.
he lets out a soft sigh.] I know you well enough, love, to know when you wish that to be the case and it isn't. [his hold on his husband tightens.] You would not allow for me to speak like this about myself. [which is, perhaps cheating, but--]
You know it isn't the same. [ It comes out easily enough, because it isn't. There's no one in the world who would doubt Lan Xichen, who would imagine the worst of him, but Jiang Cheng?
If anyone else were to find out that Wei Wuxian had given him his core... Who would they think the worst of, his brother or himself? To think that he was so pathetic a Sect Leader that he didn't have a core of his own to lead with. Useless. Average.
Why is it not the same? [because xichen has had his dark moments, convinced that the world saw him only as the fool that he was. this his hubris, his pride had cost so many lives when he could have spared them if he'd just acknowledged what he'd seen instead of letting his affections blind him.
this time, it's different. he is not blind to his husband's faults, his stubbornness. he sees them for what they are but they are not hidden, twisted things and jiang cheng's honesty is what had drawn him in. the warmth, how whole-heartedly he cares for others and the brilliance of him is what he learned to love.] What has made you believe that you can only stand in his shadow, my love? [because it all comes back to wei wuxian, to his core and his strength accounting for each achievement on jiang cheng's belt.]
Because it is the truth! [ His voice is tight, pained, and his hands grip at nothing until they find the fabric of Lan Xichen's robes, squeezing at them with all his strength - almost enough to rip them into pieces if he had less self control.
Breathing out, he shakes his head. ] My father said it from the moment Wei Wuxian joined our Sect. My mother reminded me every single day. I was never as good as he was and was never as favoured as he was. Why should I believe anything else?
[the intake of breath is soft, quiet but it's a sharp sound for those who know him.
there's a new pain that he feels for his husband and he wishes he could go back, could protect the young man he'd been from those words. xichen does not know much what it means to come from a home where parents stood by their children. his father was not a figure in his life, his mother a figure for too short and the visits too few.
his uncle, though, had done his best and remained a parent. if not a complicated one.] a-Cheng.. you have done so much to prove them wrong.
[ It's difficult to believe anything else when the truth had, seemingly, been laid so bare in front of him, when there had been nothing to make him think otherwise. Words of praise had been far and few between, given sparingly, but offered in abundance to Wei Wuxian. His disciples might have followed him to their deaths and beyond from loyalty, but if they were to choose who they liked best, who was the strongest in their Sect?
He has no doubt where their choices would land.
The notion that Lan Xichen loves him above all others is still difficult to recognise and understand - the idea that someone could love him so terribly when there are so many better choices. It makes him not want to let go, never let this man fall from his fingertips, and he grips at his robe a little tighter, like a lost child.
It hurts; it aches, and it makes him painfully aware of his heart beating in his chest, as if it is the source of every hurt he has ever felt. ] And yet if they were alive to see it they would still scold me for the mistakes I have made. I'm not fool enough to think otherwise.
[in response, xichen tightens his hold on his husband while keeping his own strength in check. there is comfort in this proximity, in the feel of jiang cheng's skin against his own and the spiritual energy he is learning as it mixes with his own.
he hopes there's comfort to be found here too for his husband, something that will soothe the fear that xichen wishes he could wash away.] Then I would remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that yours are greatly outweighed by everything you've done for your people, your family. For the cultivation world.
[ It is difficult to air all of these things knowing what little he does about Xichen's parents - or lack thereof, given their absences - but it is what burdens his heart. Even now, so many years later, the ghost of his parents haunts him and makes him wish he was someone else, anyone else. It pains him, hurts him, and when he sees Wei Wuxian he cannot help but remember.
He snorts out a teary little laugh, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
I can only imagine how my mother would react hearing those sorts of things from you.
[while he knows the pain has not passed, the sound of that laugh has xichen pressing his lips to the side of jiang cheng's head.] Would it surprise you that I wouldn't care how she'd react?
[ He shakes his head, but allows himself some comfort in the tenderness Xichen offers, letting some of the tension fade from his shoulders. It is a difficult thing for him to do, to allow himself some respite, some room to breathe through his own negativity, but he is making an attempt.
Attempt the impossible, after all. ]
She might have finally been pleased with me, had she learned I somehow charmed you.
Lying is forbidden. [a soft huff, fond as xichen tries to pull his husband back from the edge of panic. he unwinds one arm from around jiang cheng, only to lift his hand so he can run his fingers through his hair.]
Somehow? I find you very charming. [not conventionally, no, but in the sort of way that xichen needs and wants to be charmed. he kisses the side of jiang cheng's temple again.] Though I'd have to inform her that I'm far from the accomplishment all the gossiping mothers of our youth deemed me to be and more a testament to your patience.
Dancing around the truth is not. [ As if he hasn't spent enough time in Gusu now to know how to tiptoe around the rules in a way Wei Wuxian was never able to do. He sighs softly, allowing himself to lean into the touch to his hair, irritated at the feel of damp drying on his cheeks.
He nudges Xichen gently, a smile finally settling on his face. ]
Either way she would be pleased. It would please her, the first time I have done so in my lifetime.
I can't get anything past you, can I, my heart? [he lean in, pressing another kiss to jiang cheng's brow. momentarily, his hand leaves the other's hair to wipe the drying tears on his cheeks.]
If I were to meet your mother, I have a feeling I would spend most of my time fighting with her. [a soft huff follows. very politely, yes, but he would hold his ground.]
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Bowing his head, he closes his eyes and fights back the rush of tears that prickle at the corner of his eyes. The pain he had felt knowing that Wei Wuxian had made this choice, his own cruel words in the wake of the loss, knowing that he had been part of the reason his brother had fallen into Demonic Cultivation was all tied up with his rage and anger - at being denied a choice, at something of his being risked without consent.
There had never been anyone he could speak to about this, no one he could unburden himself to, until now. With marriage as a protective barrier he feels as though he can confess all his sins and not be shunned for it.
Shaking his head, he barely lets himself look at Xichen. ]
I didn't find out until Wen Ning told me at Lotus Pier. The night we found out the truth about Jin Guangshan's death.
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he lets out a deep sigh, brows furrowed still.
he cannot imagine that night, but he understands what it feels like to have one's world shattered when one man reveals one single truth to the world. it is painful, a raw feeling. it starts as a puncture wound and then spreads, festers as one realizes what it truly means.
xichen had gone into seclusion when his own mind could not find reason in any of it, when he could not stop the wound from consuming him.
he lifts one hand, runs his fingers through jiang cheng's hair as he remains close.] Then he never wished for you to know. [and there is a hint of anger in his voice now, for the lies like that have torn their world apart in so many ways.] That is his mistake.
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Leaning into Xichen makes things a little easier, and Jiang Cheng breathes out a soft, gentle noise, trying to reign in all the strange, twisting feeling inside of himself.
He'd never had any choice, he'd never had any strength, never been anything on his own. All of it, everything he had, came from Wei Wuxian - so why would he be proud of himself now? Why would he be happy? How long until Lan Xichen sees better and leaves him as well?
Turning, he buries his head in Xichen's shoulder, trying to stop himself from breaking into tears. ]
Why would he want me to know? He never told me anything. He never tells me anything. [ He swallows. ] I never knew anything and that's how people wanted it. Foolish, stupid, Jiang Cheng.
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he knows that the relationship between jiang cheng and wei wuxian is still strained, that it is difficult even though time has passed since guanyin temple.] Far from stupid and foolish, my heart. No one else knew. [and that was the point, what wei wuxian had wanted. thinking back, how much would have changed if the man had revealed this to either his own brother or wangji?
jiang cheng's age and lack of standing had benefited the jin clan, of course, but the lies and ] And that is the fault of those who wanted to keep things secret.
[but he knows this feeling, the way it crushes a person and also eats at them from the inside out. that these simple words won't soothe it away so swiftly.]
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None of this has ever been easy; easiness left his life when he was a young boy, when his parents were slaughtered in front of him. The idea of Wei Wuxian doing this to him - for him - and keeping it a secret is so obvious and natural because he had done the same thing: he hadn't told him about being bait for the Wens. They'd both kept secrets.
This one just hurt more than all of the others.
Shaking his head, he breathes out a sharp, little noise, pained and upset. ]
I couldn't do anything. Nothing I have done has ever been because of me. My core, my strength... It isn't mine.
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he wishes in this moment that he could go back, change the course of time. save this hurt. while he knows the hurts have shaped jiang cheng into the man he is, the man that xichen loves, he still wishes he could have spared him this.
there is value in the truth, in knowing, yes. xichen still believes that. but still he does not like to see his husband so hurt, so torn apart.
he presses another kiss to his hair, then moves so that he can cup jiang cheng's cheek and tilt his head up so that he can look at him. so that the man can see he's serious about the words he needs him to hear.] A-Cheng, you did so much. You were the one to do it. The core may once not have been yours but it has been for nearly two decades, you've grown it.
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Some things are harder to forgive.
The relationship between himself and Wei Wuxian might be improving now, but it doesn't ease Jiang Cheng's nightmares nor his heavy heart. It doesn't make all of this easier to bear no more than it makes his ability to overcome it any better.
It makes him feel pathetic, nothing more, nothing less.
Forced to look up at his husband, Jiang Cheng breathes out a sharp little noise. ] It wouldn't be half as strong if Wei Wuxian hadn't cultivated it first. We all know that is the truth - we all saw him when he was younger. I don't need your pity tonight, a-Huan.
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in what feels like another life, xichen wouldn't have pushed. would not have understood that there was more to what jiang cheng's nightmares had centered around. he shakes his head, before tilting it.] Did it feel stronger than yours? Different? After the surgery?
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Grief had made it almost impossible to remember anyway.
Shaking his head, he tries to reign himself in, feeling oddly pathetic despite the kindness being offered by his husband. ] But it isn't mine. No matter how long I have had it.
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they are learning still, how to comfort each other and pull each other back from ledges.] As intimately as I know it, mine calls to it because it is yours.
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That's just how it is. ]
I am fine with it now. [ No, he's not. ]
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he lets out a soft sigh.] I know you well enough, love, to know when you wish that to be the case and it isn't. [his hold on his husband tightens.] You would not allow for me to speak like this about myself. [which is, perhaps cheating, but--]
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If anyone else were to find out that Wei Wuxian had given him his core... Who would they think the worst of, his brother or himself? To think that he was so pathetic a Sect Leader that he didn't have a core of his own to lead with. Useless. Average.
He shakes his head. ] I don't want to hear it.
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this time, it's different. he is not blind to his husband's faults, his stubbornness. he sees them for what they are but they are not hidden, twisted things and jiang cheng's honesty is what had drawn him in. the warmth, how whole-heartedly he cares for others and the brilliance of him is what he learned to love.] What has made you believe that you can only stand in his shadow, my love? [because it all comes back to wei wuxian, to his core and his strength accounting for each achievement on jiang cheng's belt.]
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Breathing out, he shakes his head. ] My father said it from the moment Wei Wuxian joined our Sect. My mother reminded me every single day. I was never as good as he was and was never as favoured as he was. Why should I believe anything else?
[ He scoffs. ]
Even a-Jie preferred him to me.
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there's a new pain that he feels for his husband and he wishes he could go back, could protect the young man he'd been from those words. xichen does not know much what it means to come from a home where parents stood by their children. his father was not a figure in his life, his mother a figure for too short and the visits too few.
his uncle, though, had done his best and remained a parent. if not a complicated one.] a-Cheng.. you have done so much to prove them wrong.
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He has no doubt where their choices would land.
The notion that Lan Xichen loves him above all others is still difficult to recognise and understand - the idea that someone could love him so terribly when there are so many better choices. It makes him not want to let go, never let this man fall from his fingertips, and he grips at his robe a little tighter, like a lost child.
It hurts; it aches, and it makes him painfully aware of his heart beating in his chest, as if it is the source of every hurt he has ever felt. ] And yet if they were alive to see it they would still scold me for the mistakes I have made. I'm not fool enough to think otherwise.
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he hopes there's comfort to be found here too for his husband, something that will soothe the fear that xichen wishes he could wash away.] Then I would remind them that everyone makes mistakes and that yours are greatly outweighed by everything you've done for your people, your family. For the cultivation world.
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He snorts out a teary little laugh, squeezing his eyes shut. ]
I can only imagine how my mother would react hearing those sorts of things from you.
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It is the truth, my heart. [another gentle kiss.]
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[ He shakes his head, but allows himself some comfort in the tenderness Xichen offers, letting some of the tension fade from his shoulders. It is a difficult thing for him to do, to allow himself some respite, some room to breathe through his own negativity, but he is making an attempt.
Attempt the impossible, after all. ]
She might have finally been pleased with me, had she learned I somehow charmed you.
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Somehow? I find you very charming. [not conventionally, no, but in the sort of way that xichen needs and wants to be charmed. he kisses the side of jiang cheng's temple again.] Though I'd have to inform her that I'm far from the accomplishment all the gossiping mothers of our youth deemed me to be and more a testament to your patience.
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He nudges Xichen gently, a smile finally settling on his face. ]
Either way she would be pleased. It would please her, the first time I have done so in my lifetime.
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If I were to meet your mother, I have a feeling I would spend most of my time fighting with her. [a soft huff follows. very politely, yes, but he would hold his ground.]
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[ Shaking his head, he adjusts his weight and settles into his arms, his hold, seeking out the comfort. ]
Thank you.
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