( that earns a laugh. not xichen's normal warm chuckle, a bitter sound wrung from his throat. a fast thing, sharp at it's edges. ) One cannot remain on a path one is not walking on to begin with.
( but that is not true. xichen knows that.
know that there had been a time before jin guangyao was twisted by a world who looked down upon him, so gone that even xichen bringing him up to stand beside him did nothing to sate him. ) And Mingjue never had a gentle approach in trying to temper him back to it.
( they were never meant to co-exist. xichen sees it now, too many years too late. )
（ he can surmise how events may have transpired, and it is... wearying, in a way he had not anticipated. his eyes close briefly, but whether it is in memory, commiseration or simple thought is difficult to discern. ）
How badly did it devolve?
（ it. the triad, the clans. such a thing ripples outward, and the loss of powerful men often creates a vacuum. trying to contain it... given what he knows from wei wuxian, he doubts it ended well. ）
( it takes a moment for xichen to answer and while he has shared so much of it, he has not shared one final truth with anyone here. ) It ended with my sword driven through Guangyao's chest.
( with him pleading for xichen to stay, to die together as they'd sword in that oath. only to push him away in the end, not allow a coward's ending after pulling everything xichen had ever known out from underneath his feet. )
（ in fact, to have driven a man like xichen to that point — it was probably a great deal more than deserved. he is patient and careful, and knows to keep the peace, how precious it is, how hard-fought.
he studies the glint of the sunlight on water. it has never escaped him, how true to life this place is, the mastery it suggests. only his genjutsu, of all he's seen in his world, comes close to this. ）
No. It wasn't. ( it hurt still, to do it. to break that bond and forsake that oath. ) But that made it no easier.
Nor did it stop him from making demands or trying to lie his way out of it. ( and that was the sort of man he'd been at the end, not the man xichen had once known. ) I put my faith in the wrong man in the end.
[ xichen takes a moment, glances up at the false sky above them. it is a sentiment he extends to others but is difficult to internalize in himself. ] A burden made heavier by circumstances of birth and the breadth of the consequences.
[ for himself, for others. ] In the end, I am to live with the ways we all destroyed something good.
What you have destroyed in the past has no bearing on what you may build in the future. You have the right to forgive yourself, Zewu-jun.
（ it is all right to want to live. itachi shakes his head at the last, and then begins gathering up their dishes. ）
Also... it is important to remember that the longer you carry guilt, the more it poisons you. You have accepted your wrong-doing, made no excuses for it, and cannot undo it. Being subsumed by guilt serves no one now but your own damaged ego.
（ harsh words, perhaps, but they are nevertheless true. guilt is not a salve to the dead. it is neither protection nor promise. it is only an anchor. ）
( the title ears a slight twitch of the hand, xichen has left both resting in his lap and he curls them into fists. ) Wise words I would repeat to another.
( he looks up after a moment. he understands those words are those spoken by someone who knows them to be true, who has let them seep into their being and bones. there is plenty of guilt between them, the thing is how do either move forward. ) But you are right.
We can only move forward. All of us here. ( that is the biggest lesson to learn in a place where they've come to undo the regrets of the past and their guilt. the irony is not lost on him. xichen moves to help with the dishes, does not leave itachi to do it alone. )
（ he says that with a faint, self-deprecatory amusement. to move forward... how could he hope to do anything else?
they tidy in relative silence, and once all the dishes have been gathered and the area erased of all traces of their mutual presence, he gives xichen a faint incline of his head. ）
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( but that is not true. xichen knows that.
know that there had been a time before jin guangyao was twisted by a world who looked down upon him, so gone that even xichen bringing him up to stand beside him did nothing to sate him. ) And Mingjue never had a gentle approach in trying to temper him back to it.
( they were never meant to co-exist. xichen sees it now, too many years too late. )
no subject
How badly did it devolve?
（ it. the triad, the clans. such a thing ripples outward, and the loss of powerful men often creates a vacuum. trying to contain it... given what he knows from wei wuxian, he doubts it ended well. ）
no subject
( with him pleading for xichen to stay, to die together as they'd sword in that oath. only to push him away in the end, not allow a coward's ending after pulling everything xichen had ever known out from underneath his feet. )
no subject
（ in fact, to have driven a man like xichen to that point — it was probably a great deal more than deserved. he is patient and careful, and knows to keep the peace, how precious it is, how hard-fought.
he studies the glint of the sunlight on water. it has never escaped him, how true to life this place is, the mastery it suggests. only his genjutsu, of all he's seen in his world, comes close to this. ）
no subject
Nor did it stop him from making demands or trying to lie his way out of it. ( and that was the sort of man he'd been at the end, not the man xichen had once known. ) I put my faith in the wrong man in the end.
no subject
（ there isn't a trace of weariness in how he says it. the truth is, he used that to his own advantage on more than one occasion. ）
But I understand that it is a burden to carry.
no subject
[ for himself, for others. ] In the end, I am to live with the ways we all destroyed something good.
no subject
（ it is all right to want to live. itachi shakes his head at the last, and then begins gathering up their dishes. ）
Also... it is important to remember that the longer you carry guilt, the more it poisons you. You have accepted your wrong-doing, made no excuses for it, and cannot undo it. Being subsumed by guilt serves no one now but your own damaged ego.
（ harsh words, perhaps, but they are nevertheless true. guilt is not a salve to the dead. it is neither protection nor promise. it is only an anchor. ）
no subject
( he looks up after a moment. he understands those words are those spoken by someone who knows them to be true, who has let them seep into their being and bones. there is plenty of guilt between them, the thing is how do either move forward. ) But you are right.
We can only move forward. All of us here. ( that is the biggest lesson to learn in a place where they've come to undo the regrets of the past and their guilt. the irony is not lost on him. xichen moves to help with the dishes, does not leave itachi to do it alone. )
no subject
（ he says that with a faint, self-deprecatory amusement. to move forward... how could he hope to do anything else?
they tidy in relative silence, and once all the dishes have been gathered and the area erased of all traces of their mutual presence, he gives xichen a faint incline of his head. ）
If you will excuse me.
（ and just like that, he is gone. ）